When traveling in the vast, anonymous, lawless expanse known as the Internet, it’s a given that you’re going to run into some weird shit. Maybe none of it is weirder than the world of erotic fanfiction.
This is where fans lovingly write up tales of, say, Legolas and Gimli going at it, in excruciating detail. But dig deeper and you find stories featuring such random matchups of character that it’ll send your mind, and boner, reeling:
In this long, molasses-paced tale, Picard is on the most important mission of his life: a mission for fun. It seems that his superiors think he needs a vacation, and so they send him off to [insert garbled fake planet name here] to relax.
Of course, something unexplained goes horribly wrong, and he ends up crash-landing on Middle-Earth. He’s found and nursed back to health by Lord Elrond. Hilarity ensues.
Oh, wait, did we say hilarity? There’s actually none of that. Instead it’s just four more chapters of Elrond telling Picard to stay in bed, Picard playing a flute, and Glorfindel wandering by, thinking that this is the gayest damn thing he’s ever seen.
Finally, Picard admits that he “experimented” once with a French dude, and Elrond, proving himself as trustworthy and honorable as any good elf, takes advantage of Picard’s fragile emotional state to make out with him:
They drew away after what seemed a lifetime but was only mere minutes. The taste of Elrond’s lips still lingered in Picard’s mouth as they finally looked upon each other with new eyes. Relieved sighs came from both of them as both embraced, Elrond nuzzling against Picard’s neck as he rested against Elrond’s shoulder.
Please pause here and take a moment to savor the thought of Hugo Weaving “nuzzling” someone. Really fix that image in your mind.
But It Really Gets Creepy When…
Elrond went further by clutching Picard with his fingers, pulling at the fabric of his slacks to feel what was underneath.
The telltale bulge in the elf’s leggings stood out between them, especially with the weight it had against Picard’s thigh.
Elrond moved over Picard’s body like a serpent and sharply nibbled at a peaked nipple.
A few quick notes to the author: slacks are not hot. You’ve never heard a love song with the word “slacks” in it. Even less hot than slacks are bulging leggings, particularly when they’re barely concealing an elven boner. Also, the image of Agent Smith slithering up and down Patrick Stewart’s body, snake-style, is one that will haunt us until the end of our days, thanks so much.
Plausibility Factor: 2
First of all, we’re going to object to the notion that Middle Earth is a separate planet from Earth, which Tolkien always insisted was in the distant past of our world, or on some other plane of existence. It’s difficult to believe that any LotR fan could pleasure themselves to a story with that kind of inaccuracy.
The best explanation we can contrive is that maybe Picard entered some kind of interdimensional rift, and the ship’s navigation tried to adjust by sending him to a world with a fan base as geeky as his own.